Lots of guys did not have fathers growing up or had unhealthy incompetent fathers. I’m one of them.
Here’s the deal about this. One option is to spend our entire life focusing on the emptiness in our hearts which tends to lead to unhealthy activities and addictions. I doubt a cup with a hole can ever be filled. This doesn’t mean we can’t hold that cup with compassion and care.
We can blame our fathers for all of our pain and why we can’t be successful, happy, and healthy.
We can spend our whole life focusing on this “father absenteeism” from a position of lack but in doing so, we opt out of life and move into Victimville.
The longer we stay in Victimville, the harder it is to get out. It’s a mindset addiction. Look at it this way. Thinking trains our brain how to think. Then our brain projects those thought patterns into the world. Those thoughts come back as our confirmation of reality. Scary and a good reason to be mindful of what we repeatedly think about out.
We’re playing a major role in the creation of our reality unknowingly with our thoughts so be careful.
If you find yourself having ill thoughts about your dad or anyone for that matter, those thoughts are robbing you, and soon, there will be no more “you” left to rob. No thank you, right?
I have some suggestions if you’ve been robbed of a father.
The Reframe
We all get dealt a hand of cards in life. As men, we need to play those cards the best we can.
Letters
Write your father two letters. No need to send them. One of love and understanding and one of pure hate. This will help process lots of buried trauma.
beliefs
Try on this belief for a few weeks: People always do the best they can, with what they have, for where they are. This does not excuse their incompetence or bad behavior.
Adopt a father
I did this for years and still do. How it works; find someone online that you can learn from. Someone that could teach you something that a good father would. Then study them.
Caution: No one is perfect so avoid looking for the perfect father/role model.
100s’ of years ago, we’d belong to a small tribe. Once we hit our teens or even younger, the men in our tribe would raise us solely thus turning us into competent men. So having a list of men to learn from now, is not such a whacky idea.
One of my top adopted fathers was Jim Rohn. I bought all his audio tapes back in the day. Look him up on Youtube.
A few of my favorite quotes from Mr. Rohn are the following.
“Don’t wish it was easier wish you were better.”
“Don’t wish for less problems wish for more skills.”
“Don’t wish for less challenge wish for more wisdom.”
“Don’t watch me too closely, I struggle with this stuff just as much as the next guy.”
Look up Judge Caprio from “Caught in Providence” on Youtube. He’s a highly intergraded and evolved man. Lots of gems can be had from just watching how he deals with people.
Stoicism
Watch some videos on this topic. The creators had a very good framework for becoming integrated men.
Lastly, take extreme ownership of your health, wealth, and relationships. This is the foundation of being a man. There is you, and there are your results or lack of. Own it all and if something is off, set it straight, or let them find you at the end giving it your all.
A quick note on integration.
There are many parts within. Think of it this way, we are the rider of a chariot being pulled by lots of horses. One horse may still be eight years old emotionally, usually the horse that has ill thoughts of its father. Another horse may be lazy. Some horses may be just fine. Integration is when we pull all the horses together into one. Doing what I mentioned above will lead to integration. Integration is the path to healing, personal power, and a sense of being self-actualized.
How will you know you healed your “father absenteeism issues?” When you get triggered, you’ll feel indifferent. Your focus on your health, wealth and loving relationships, (or the cultivation of) will far outweigh any possible thoughts from the past.
